Post by raYne on May 5, 2014 23:48:51 GMT -5
Okay... I fought myself with this, because as I said before in the c-box, I hate to let people down, yet I constantly do. Mandy, my friend Hannah... plus, I was just deleted from Force1 because of the shape I'm in, the attitude I've been in... I can't handle much of anything till I get myself together. I need a sabbatical, from fedding, from pretty much everything.
I need a change. I need to change myself, how I operate... I need to make a change in my life. Honestly, I've been in ten mental clinics, a ton of counselors, three groups, six pills a day for ten years... but I hardly ever take my meds like I should anymore, like, I don't even remember the last time I did. And someone on F1 said I needed 'help'... my initial thought was I've been to counselors. But, personally, I feel like they DID help, regardless of what some say. And maybe it's time I try that again...
I cannot keep going like this. I'm tired of how things have gone for so long, and how I've been... I should have taken a leave from F1. But this addiction is just as bad as any other... always needing a fix. I have been staying up for two-three days at a time for FAR too long. Hardly ever eating, which is terrible cuz I went from 290-160, but ended up in the hospital for the first time back in Dec. of 2012. Fainted, for the first AND second time, same night, due to malnutrition and dehydration.
I might be straight edge, but I am literally addicted to fedding. And I mean that in the sense that it's bad enough to ruin my life like any other addiction. So, I gotta take some time to myself, get my priorities in check, take care of myself, SLEEP, eat, get into an actual routine instead of glue-ing myself to the screen till I pass out from exhaustion...
Like Jeremy told me, I spread myself too thin. And he's absolutely right, especially when I can't even take care of myself. And Mandy kept telling me I needed to make a change, yet I ignored her, and now she doesn't feel like putting up with me anymore. And I don't blame here... I NEGLECT myself, cuz I honestly always feel as if reading and writing is more important than the essentials for my health. And that's something that needs to change. Sooo...
AFTER the PPV [cuz I am roleplaying, and I ain't waiting till the literal last second this time], but after the show... I gotta take an indefinite leave. And I honestly, honestly NEED to, cuz, I want to stay here, GAWD do I >.< But I know it's not for the best quite yet. When I am at 100% and cookin' on every cylinder, I'm gonna be able to devote myself to this place, cuz I'll be fueled up and ready to go. I used to never miss a deadline, and in fact, I'd always be the one that posted TOO many RPs, wrote too much, but also ALWAYS contributed to the shows, and when I said I was gonna write a match or segment? I lived up to it. After failing to send in the things I was gonna work on for this past show, taking SO friggin' long to finish those apps... I realize, I need to work on me before I work on a fed.
Anywayz, I'm SORRY about this, I truly am, but as Owen once said...
I will be back. And when I am, I'll be ready and better than ever. STILL gonna roleplay for my two matches, cuz I do not go back on my word [if i can help it]. I'm gonna try and write something to write the bWo out for the time being, either for 'Validation' or as a CD rp. Thank you all for putting up with me, and appreciating my work. The feeling is mutual, especially Violet [Mandy], Kate/Crys, Danica, Skye... there is some great talent here in LA-Dub. Take care of yourselves. G'nite <3
~ $hane
'...you couldn't be that man iAdored...'