Post by Kenzi Grey on Feb 18, 2018 14:42:56 GMT -5
Sometime I wonder what I am doing and who I am doing it for…
My mother was a professional wrestler and even the father I’ve never known was one. It was just something in the blood I guess that set me on that same path…despite the fact that my mother never wanted me in the business. She had aspirations that I would do something else…something different.
I have to admit, it was a bit of spite that drove me to do this…to become a wrestler, despite all of the advantages that were given to me elsewhere. I could have been a singer or an actress, but I wanted this. I wanted the chance to achieve the things that people never thought that I could.
…at first it had only been my mother, but later it was others…
I fought tooth and nail to become a member of Ladies All-Star Wrestling! I worked the indies until Lucas begrudgingly hired me to a contract…one that I am sure he felt he paid too much for. I jerked curtains for a year straight. I lost match after match after match and it seemed like I had made the worst mistake of my life.
…maybe I was born with the desire to wrestle, but not the ability…
There is nothing worse than being the laughing stock of a community of professional shit-talkers. To be mocked for the slightest misstep, let alone out and out failure. That is the worst part about this business. That is the part that no one tells you about. It’s designed to make you love it, while those around you are doing everything they can to make you hate it. You either find a way to endure it, you find a way to succeed, or you quit.
In 2016 I turned things around for myself inside the ring. Maybe I didn’t do it in a way that garnered me respect. I cheated and I tricked my way to victories. I wasn’t respected, but I was a champion…at least in name. I thought that is what it meant to be a professional wrestler. To win a belt…to be called a titleholder and represent a company. I thought I had made it…but that wasn’t making it…that was faking it.
By the end of that year I was ready to move on. I was ready to quit and let the haters have their way with my tainted legacy inside the squared circle. I had accomplished nothing on my own and I could not in coconscious even reflect back on the things that I had accomplished and be proud of them. This wasn’t for me, no matter how much I wanted it, no matter how much I thought I could succeed…I was going nowhere.
…everything changed when I met Sarah Selena Lacklan…
Sarah opened my eyes to a whole other side of things…to a whole other side of myself. She showed me that I could be everything that I thought I could be inside that ring…as well as out of it. I could be better than I have ever dreamed that I could, if I dedicated myself to my craft and I didn’t let the slings and arrows of those who sought to bring me down pierce my heart.
2017 was a different story. I won three championships that year…and I capped it off by winning, what was in my mind, the match that validated it all…the Champions Challenge at the end of the year. I had proved to myself that I could be great and I had showed the world how great I could be. I had achieved everything that I set out to do for myself in this business…everything but win a World Title…everything but to be THE Champion!
I thought that was my destiny next. I thought that a win over every single champion in the company would put me in the conversation. I thought that this would lead me to the next level of competition, but it didn’t. The world kept on spinning and for all anyone knew, this might as well have still been 2016.
My next match was thrown out because of outside interference. I lost the very next one to Alicia Lucas, despite giving it my all as I pushed to show that I was the best of the best. Now I find myself right back where I was before…wondering if this really is for me. I hold a championship, but the only one that cares is the one woman who wants it back…the only woman in LAW that even recognizes me as something in this company.
…correction; she recognizes me as someone who has what belongs to them…
Here I am at the crossroads of my career again. I have grown so much in the last year, and now I have a choice to make. Do I set my sights on doing even more in 2018? Do I grab LAW by the throat and force them to acknowledge me…force them to give me opportunities that are handed to others? Do I spend months and months grinding away in obscurity in the hopes that I get elevated to the next level…or do I take control and choke out everyone in front of me until they have no choice but to see me NOT for who I was…but who I am?
…but who am I? That’s what I needed to find out…
THE RED QUEEN
Los Angeles
I had been in a less than stellar mood following my loss to Alicia Lucas. I had controlled her for much of the match…much to the surprise of everyone, except myself. However, it only took one mistake for the veteran to take advantage and steal the win from me. It had left a bitter taste in my mouth, especially after I had also failed to defeat Maki the show prior. My 2018 was off to a shit start and I wasn’t sure that I could stop the bleeding before I finally got to defend my title against Etsuko.
The former champion had dogged me at every turn following the victory that garnered me the Breakout Title. She had not let me rest, not even once. She made it crystal clear that she didn’t think that I deserved to be the champion and she pleaded her case for a rematch for weeks and weeks, yet her call fell on deaf ears. With each verbal and physical attack, I added my voice to the call for a match as well…similarly it was met with indifference. Our frustration mounted; Etsuko chomping at the bit and me squandering two singles matches in a row. Now that the match was finally signed, Etsuko had all of the momentum and I was struggling to figure how and if I would ever get back in the winner’s circle.
“Na Fianna…” I said to myself as I looked over the profile for Nora Foley, ‘Wolfmother’ from Northern Ireland, and fitness guru. Sarah had actually pointed her out to me on social media, remarking on amazing physical appearance. I played it cool, pretending that I hadn’t really paid her much mind, but there was no doubt that she was an amazing physical specimen.
I looked through post after post and I read up on her ethos, the charter of ‘Na Fianna.’ It reminded me of the time I had spent training under Emma Benton. I had been in the most amazing physical and mental shape of my career. Emma had closed up shop, but Nora was taking applications. I quickly summited mines in the hopes that I’d be accepted.
As I finished, a pigeon with a conspiratorial aire arrived and delivered its note. I rolled my eyes as I plucked the note from its carrier and read it.
Psssst!
I nearly fell out of my chair laughing at the callback to one of our favorite games. Since her accident and the on-going police investigation Sarah had been restricted from the use of social media, so carrier pigeon was her new method of communication…instead of just getting an unlisted number like most people.
I turned as she wheeled her way into the room, answering “Who dis?”
Sarah’s hair was drawn up into a high platinum colored bun and her red eyes blazed as they found mines. “Someone who wants to go on a date and, like, get our mack on in front of a shit ton of people. Interested?”
I arched my brow at this. It made me happy to see her becoming more and more of her old self as time went on. I didn’t know if she would ever walk again, but I had hope. “You got a place in mind?” I glided over and gave her a hug and a kiss.
Sarah held out her hand and the pigeon fluttered over and landed gently in her palm. She smiled for a moment as she looked at the fluffy white bird, speaking absently, "I'd say bowling...or dancing...but..." she grimaced as she looked down at her legs. "Maybe a movie? You know, something different and sweet."
I leaned over and pressed my head to hers. “In time Baby...all in time.”
Sarah purred as she gently rubbed her forehead against mines. "Staying home. In our underwear. Gotcha."
That was the best idea I had heard in days. I helped Sarah prepare for bed, enjoying the idea of us cuddling up together and watching something stupid on television as we lay together, hand in hand.
DING!
I glanced at my phone and I was instantly filled with excitement as I looked at the screen and fired off a return tweet, complete with a jumping and celebrating Kenzi gif! Sarah raised her eyebrow as she wondered what was going on. I held my phone out to her, “Nora said that they accepted my application! She is going to train me!”
Sarah’s expression was unreadable, but I could tell by the sound of her voice that there was a bit of jealousy there. “Lovely…girl…Beloved…” she took a deep breath, “…try not to fall in love, please!”
All I can do is smirk at this, “Too late Baby…I’m already taken.”
Sarah gave an evil smirk of her own. “Mines!”
DING!
I glanced down at the response to my glee from Nora and I started to wonder if I had possibly just made a terrible mistake...
Nora's words had filled me with a cautious bit of unease, but it quickly went away as I thought of my Sarah. She snuggled up to me and I put away my phone. Turning and wrapping my arms around her, I whispered, “…hey, Baby, you ever thought about going to see Dublin?”
She answered, “It does seem nice. When did you want to go?”
I hold my breath, “Our plane leaves in the morning…”
Sarah just stares at me, “Wut?”
I let out a hard sigh, “I start training with Nora this week. We are training in Ireland.” I felt terrible about the short notice. “I’m sorry Baby…I’ll understand if you don’t want to go…or even if you don’t want me to go.”
Sarah took my face into one of her hands. “Shit up!” Her eyes were locked on mines as she left no doubt about the seriousness of her words. “I’d follow you into the dark Beloved…” She paused, and looked over at the cooing bit of fluffy white feathers in her other hand. “…and my pigeons too!”
I sighed. I hated the pigeons, but I loved my Baby, and whatever made her happy, made me happy as well. “That’s wonderful Baby.”
After getting into bed and getting comfortable, I cuddled up with her and a bowl of grapes...that I peeled for her, because fuck that UGWC guy! She’s as lovely as she’s always been and I’m so proud of the gains she’s made as she works hard to get out of that wheelchair -OF DOOM-. Just knowing she was trying made me feel loads better. No matter how this ended, whether she walked again or not...whether I became a badass shield maiden or I went down in defeat on my first title defense, I’d always remember how happy we were right now.
DUBLIN
The flight over had been a long one, but as always stolen snuggles and kisses with Sarah as we lay under our shared blanket was more than enough to keep me from being bored. The city was amazing...what little I got to see of it after our arrival...
I was filled with a sense of excitement that I hadn't felt about doing something for myself in a very long time. This training was going to be a life changer...I COULD FEEL IT! Before, it had only been about getting back the thing that I thought I had lost, but now that it was about to start...I could sense that something bigger was on the horizon for me. Doors were about to open and soon my life was going to change and evolve, just like Nora was going to help forge my body into a weapon...
The next morning Nora came to get me...at 4 in the freaking morning! I don't know what I thought this was going to be, but whatever it was...this wasn't what I thought. I kissed Sarah and begrudgingly headed out to train. As much as I hated waking up and leaving Sarah...I found that following behind Nora did have its benefits...
I did what I could to LIVE TWEET my experience, since Sarah was unable to go with me to the training. I knew that despite her jealous nature, she would also appreciate my new trainer. Of course, the worst part of LIVE TWEETING anything is the fact that sometimes your viewing audience is a bit larger than you intended...
Most of the rest of the day was a blur of activity as Nora trained me like I was about to go to war. Not war inside the ring against Etsuko...but actual freaking war! I ran and I crawled...well...I mostly crawled, because running is for people who are strong enough to stand up! Strangely enough, Nora had motivation for this as well...
In my defiance, I continued to tweet at my every opportunity, but that didn't bother Nora too much since she made damn sure that I never stopped...hardly even for the briefest of moments to catch my breath. I think she got satisfaction out of seeing me fumble with my phone as she had her dogs...wolves...or whatever the hell they were nipping at my heels...
I guess I wasn't the only one who thought it was funny to LIVE TWEET stuff...Nora had another surprise for me as I ran, feeling like my chest was going to explode! I didn't know if she realized my limitations, or if she was blatantly doing shit just to force me to quit!
Not surprisingly, Nora didn't much care about my inability to swim. She had told me that she would push me and she would break me. I had thought that she was just saying that to hype up her training camp...but she was serious...dead freaking serious! My legs wouldn't function and my lungs were on fire. I couldn't remember the last time I felt so horrible...the last time I had hurt this bad...
I don't know how many friends I have...how many TRUE friends. I'd like to think that I have a lot. We all would like to think that the people who follow us over social media everyday and post funny pictures and whatnot are really more than just 'followers.' Today I realized that some of them were more than just friends...their words of encouragement drove me on when my body had quit on me and my mind was somewhere not too very far behind...
I found the way to push through when I didn't want to...when I wanted to give up and failure seemed to be the easy way out. I realized then that if I failed...I wasn't just failing myself...I could live with that; I'd be failing all of them. I pushed on, diving into the freezing waters and swimming for my life...splashing and flailing about like the drowning woman I was. I pushed on for the people that believed in me...and especially those that didn't.
For all the Etsuko's of the world that thought I was not worthy of being a champion...or of being anything at all. I fought on and did what I could to not only show them that they were wrong, but that they could overcome failure as well. If my body was broken, and still I fought on...like Sarah did each and every day...that was the lesson...the lesson that I had to be reminded of by friends who believed even when my belief waivered...
This was only the first day...Nora had promised to break me, and break me she did. I have never wanted to give up on something so badly in my life...but there in is the lesson. To quit on yourself is a slight against yourself...to quit on those who believe in you is a much greater offense. If I had not braved those waters, if I had taken my ball and gone home, then I would have dishonored all of those people who believed in me...all of those people who would one day need to believe that they could do something others thought impossible. I owed it to them...and to myself to do and be greater...even when the world told me that I could not...
THE FOLLOWING MORNING...
"OH MY GOD, I REALLY WANT TO QUIT!!"
My mother was a professional wrestler and even the father I’ve never known was one. It was just something in the blood I guess that set me on that same path…despite the fact that my mother never wanted me in the business. She had aspirations that I would do something else…something different.
I have to admit, it was a bit of spite that drove me to do this…to become a wrestler, despite all of the advantages that were given to me elsewhere. I could have been a singer or an actress, but I wanted this. I wanted the chance to achieve the things that people never thought that I could.
…at first it had only been my mother, but later it was others…
I fought tooth and nail to become a member of Ladies All-Star Wrestling! I worked the indies until Lucas begrudgingly hired me to a contract…one that I am sure he felt he paid too much for. I jerked curtains for a year straight. I lost match after match after match and it seemed like I had made the worst mistake of my life.
…maybe I was born with the desire to wrestle, but not the ability…
There is nothing worse than being the laughing stock of a community of professional shit-talkers. To be mocked for the slightest misstep, let alone out and out failure. That is the worst part about this business. That is the part that no one tells you about. It’s designed to make you love it, while those around you are doing everything they can to make you hate it. You either find a way to endure it, you find a way to succeed, or you quit.
In 2016 I turned things around for myself inside the ring. Maybe I didn’t do it in a way that garnered me respect. I cheated and I tricked my way to victories. I wasn’t respected, but I was a champion…at least in name. I thought that is what it meant to be a professional wrestler. To win a belt…to be called a titleholder and represent a company. I thought I had made it…but that wasn’t making it…that was faking it.
By the end of that year I was ready to move on. I was ready to quit and let the haters have their way with my tainted legacy inside the squared circle. I had accomplished nothing on my own and I could not in coconscious even reflect back on the things that I had accomplished and be proud of them. This wasn’t for me, no matter how much I wanted it, no matter how much I thought I could succeed…I was going nowhere.
…everything changed when I met Sarah Selena Lacklan…
Sarah opened my eyes to a whole other side of things…to a whole other side of myself. She showed me that I could be everything that I thought I could be inside that ring…as well as out of it. I could be better than I have ever dreamed that I could, if I dedicated myself to my craft and I didn’t let the slings and arrows of those who sought to bring me down pierce my heart.
2017 was a different story. I won three championships that year…and I capped it off by winning, what was in my mind, the match that validated it all…the Champions Challenge at the end of the year. I had proved to myself that I could be great and I had showed the world how great I could be. I had achieved everything that I set out to do for myself in this business…everything but win a World Title…everything but to be THE Champion!
I thought that was my destiny next. I thought that a win over every single champion in the company would put me in the conversation. I thought that this would lead me to the next level of competition, but it didn’t. The world kept on spinning and for all anyone knew, this might as well have still been 2016.
My next match was thrown out because of outside interference. I lost the very next one to Alicia Lucas, despite giving it my all as I pushed to show that I was the best of the best. Now I find myself right back where I was before…wondering if this really is for me. I hold a championship, but the only one that cares is the one woman who wants it back…the only woman in LAW that even recognizes me as something in this company.
…correction; she recognizes me as someone who has what belongs to them…
Here I am at the crossroads of my career again. I have grown so much in the last year, and now I have a choice to make. Do I set my sights on doing even more in 2018? Do I grab LAW by the throat and force them to acknowledge me…force them to give me opportunities that are handed to others? Do I spend months and months grinding away in obscurity in the hopes that I get elevated to the next level…or do I take control and choke out everyone in front of me until they have no choice but to see me NOT for who I was…but who I am?
…but who am I? That’s what I needed to find out…
THE RED QUEEN
Los Angeles
I had been in a less than stellar mood following my loss to Alicia Lucas. I had controlled her for much of the match…much to the surprise of everyone, except myself. However, it only took one mistake for the veteran to take advantage and steal the win from me. It had left a bitter taste in my mouth, especially after I had also failed to defeat Maki the show prior. My 2018 was off to a shit start and I wasn’t sure that I could stop the bleeding before I finally got to defend my title against Etsuko.
The former champion had dogged me at every turn following the victory that garnered me the Breakout Title. She had not let me rest, not even once. She made it crystal clear that she didn’t think that I deserved to be the champion and she pleaded her case for a rematch for weeks and weeks, yet her call fell on deaf ears. With each verbal and physical attack, I added my voice to the call for a match as well…similarly it was met with indifference. Our frustration mounted; Etsuko chomping at the bit and me squandering two singles matches in a row. Now that the match was finally signed, Etsuko had all of the momentum and I was struggling to figure how and if I would ever get back in the winner’s circle.
“Na Fianna…” I said to myself as I looked over the profile for Nora Foley, ‘Wolfmother’ from Northern Ireland, and fitness guru. Sarah had actually pointed her out to me on social media, remarking on amazing physical appearance. I played it cool, pretending that I hadn’t really paid her much mind, but there was no doubt that she was an amazing physical specimen.
I looked through post after post and I read up on her ethos, the charter of ‘Na Fianna.’ It reminded me of the time I had spent training under Emma Benton. I had been in the most amazing physical and mental shape of my career. Emma had closed up shop, but Nora was taking applications. I quickly summited mines in the hopes that I’d be accepted.
As I finished, a pigeon with a conspiratorial aire arrived and delivered its note. I rolled my eyes as I plucked the note from its carrier and read it.
Psssst!
I nearly fell out of my chair laughing at the callback to one of our favorite games. Since her accident and the on-going police investigation Sarah had been restricted from the use of social media, so carrier pigeon was her new method of communication…instead of just getting an unlisted number like most people.
I turned as she wheeled her way into the room, answering “Who dis?”
Sarah’s hair was drawn up into a high platinum colored bun and her red eyes blazed as they found mines. “Someone who wants to go on a date and, like, get our mack on in front of a shit ton of people. Interested?”
I arched my brow at this. It made me happy to see her becoming more and more of her old self as time went on. I didn’t know if she would ever walk again, but I had hope. “You got a place in mind?” I glided over and gave her a hug and a kiss.
Sarah held out her hand and the pigeon fluttered over and landed gently in her palm. She smiled for a moment as she looked at the fluffy white bird, speaking absently, "I'd say bowling...or dancing...but..." she grimaced as she looked down at her legs. "Maybe a movie? You know, something different and sweet."
I leaned over and pressed my head to hers. “In time Baby...all in time.”
Sarah purred as she gently rubbed her forehead against mines. "Staying home. In our underwear. Gotcha."
That was the best idea I had heard in days. I helped Sarah prepare for bed, enjoying the idea of us cuddling up together and watching something stupid on television as we lay together, hand in hand.
DING!
Sarah’s expression was unreadable, but I could tell by the sound of her voice that there was a bit of jealousy there. “Lovely…girl…Beloved…” she took a deep breath, “…try not to fall in love, please!”
All I can do is smirk at this, “Too late Baby…I’m already taken.”
Sarah gave an evil smirk of her own. “Mines!”
DING!
I glanced down at the response to my glee from Nora and I started to wonder if I had possibly just made a terrible mistake...
She answered, “It does seem nice. When did you want to go?”
I hold my breath, “Our plane leaves in the morning…”
Sarah just stares at me, “Wut?”
I let out a hard sigh, “I start training with Nora this week. We are training in Ireland.” I felt terrible about the short notice. “I’m sorry Baby…I’ll understand if you don’t want to go…or even if you don’t want me to go.”
Sarah took my face into one of her hands. “Shit up!” Her eyes were locked on mines as she left no doubt about the seriousness of her words. “I’d follow you into the dark Beloved…” She paused, and looked over at the cooing bit of fluffy white feathers in her other hand. “…and my pigeons too!”
I sighed. I hated the pigeons, but I loved my Baby, and whatever made her happy, made me happy as well. “That’s wonderful Baby.”
After getting into bed and getting comfortable, I cuddled up with her and a bowl of grapes...that I peeled for her, because fuck that UGWC guy! She’s as lovely as she’s always been and I’m so proud of the gains she’s made as she works hard to get out of that wheelchair -OF DOOM-. Just knowing she was trying made me feel loads better. No matter how this ended, whether she walked again or not...whether I became a badass shield maiden or I went down in defeat on my first title defense, I’d always remember how happy we were right now.
DUBLIN
The flight over had been a long one, but as always stolen snuggles and kisses with Sarah as we lay under our shared blanket was more than enough to keep me from being bored. The city was amazing...what little I got to see of it after our arrival...
The next morning Nora came to get me...at 4 in the freaking morning! I don't know what I thought this was going to be, but whatever it was...this wasn't what I thought. I kissed Sarah and begrudgingly headed out to train. As much as I hated waking up and leaving Sarah...I found that following behind Nora did have its benefits...
For all the Etsuko's of the world that thought I was not worthy of being a champion...or of being anything at all. I fought on and did what I could to not only show them that they were wrong, but that they could overcome failure as well. If my body was broken, and still I fought on...like Sarah did each and every day...that was the lesson...the lesson that I had to be reminded of by friends who believed even when my belief waivered...
THE FOLLOWING MORNING...
- TO BE CONTINUED -