Post by Kenzi Grey on Sept 18, 2016 11:03:20 GMT -5
OOC: The thoughts of Kenzi Grey from her personal diary (this is only her inner musings and is completely off-camera):
I know that some people consider my relationship with Parker to be a very strange one, given our history…and his is particular. Still, I try hard not to let any of that change the way that I feel about him. I find him to be funny, charming (when he wants to be), sensitive (when he needs to be) and very attractive. I enjoy his company…and I really enjoy the attention he shows me (this is an absolute MUST).
I know that he really wants someone to love him and not hurt him more than anything else. While I’d like to be that person, all I can promise him is that I won’t hurt him and I won’t leave him until he wants me to. Love…like that…is a dangerous thing coming from someone with my condition. I spare him hurt by not allowing myself to get lost in him like I have done before with Alex Yin and Jami. He wouldn’t like it…it would drive him away like it did to them. That’s what he doesn’t realize.
This morning Parker called me to tell me about a dream that he had…a wet one that was about his ex-girlfriend Kate Bass. At the end of the dream, Kate smashed his heart with a hammer. Parker told me that he actually talked to Kate and told her about the dream…
…I’m honestly not sure how to feel about this…
Down deep, I realize that I should be upset, but I don’t know who it should be with. I can’t expect Parker to control his dreams and who he dreams about…can I? I can’t blame Kate for being the center of his dream…she didn’t ask for that, did she (isn't she still into Paradox or is it that 16 year old)? Maybe I should be mad that Parker actually talked to Kate about the dream…I mean, what do you expect her to do with that?
Right now I’m thousands of miles away and there’s nothing I can do about it…assuming I would do anything about it at all. On a subconscious level, he obviously still wants her...I get that. I feel like he’s testing me…but I’m doomed to fail because I don’t know what I’m supposed to do or feel. Parker probably deserves a woman with actual feelings that can be legitimately hurt. I don't want to hurt him like Dazi Miyashita did...
P.S. Maybe I’ll talk to Song and ask her what I’m supposed to do. I’d hate to hurt Parker by not having the appropriate response to this…he deserves better from me.
I know that some people consider my relationship with Parker to be a very strange one, given our history…and his is particular. Still, I try hard not to let any of that change the way that I feel about him. I find him to be funny, charming (when he wants to be), sensitive (when he needs to be) and very attractive. I enjoy his company…and I really enjoy the attention he shows me (this is an absolute MUST).
I know that he really wants someone to love him and not hurt him more than anything else. While I’d like to be that person, all I can promise him is that I won’t hurt him and I won’t leave him until he wants me to. Love…like that…is a dangerous thing coming from someone with my condition. I spare him hurt by not allowing myself to get lost in him like I have done before with Alex Yin and Jami. He wouldn’t like it…it would drive him away like it did to them. That’s what he doesn’t realize.
This morning Parker called me to tell me about a dream that he had…a wet one that was about his ex-girlfriend Kate Bass. At the end of the dream, Kate smashed his heart with a hammer. Parker told me that he actually talked to Kate and told her about the dream…
…I’m honestly not sure how to feel about this…
Down deep, I realize that I should be upset, but I don’t know who it should be with. I can’t expect Parker to control his dreams and who he dreams about…can I? I can’t blame Kate for being the center of his dream…she didn’t ask for that, did she (isn't she still into Paradox or is it that 16 year old)? Maybe I should be mad that Parker actually talked to Kate about the dream…I mean, what do you expect her to do with that?
Right now I’m thousands of miles away and there’s nothing I can do about it…assuming I would do anything about it at all. On a subconscious level, he obviously still wants her...I get that. I feel like he’s testing me…but I’m doomed to fail because I don’t know what I’m supposed to do or feel. Parker probably deserves a woman with actual feelings that can be legitimately hurt. I don't want to hurt him like Dazi Miyashita did...
P.S. Maybe I’ll talk to Song and ask her what I’m supposed to do. I’d hate to hurt Parker by not having the appropriate response to this…he deserves better from me.