Post by Bobbi London on Nov 26, 2016 20:00:38 GMT -5
PROTECTION INC.
CELEBRITY EDITION
CELEBRITY EDITION
The camera centered on the face of a middle aged man with salt and pepper hair.
Stewart Pupkin: Good evening everyone, my name is Stewart Pupkin, and welcome to a special celebrity edition of ‘Protection Inc.’ With two feature films, a hit television show, and a wrestling championship on her resume, Kenzi Grey is fast becoming one of the hottest young stars on the planet!
Inset graphics appear on the screen displaying the many projects that Kenzi Grey has been involved in...
Stewart Pupkin: However, with all that fame comes a very dark reality…a fan’s obsession can sometimes become dangerous…even deadly! Today, we are going to shadow the Head of Security for Ms. Grey and get a sense for the many challenges she faces each and every day!
The camera centered on the face of Bobbi London as the voice of Stewart Pupkin spoke from off camera; “Good evening, would you mind telling us a little bit about yourself and what you do?”
Bobbi mugged for the camera as she flashed her platinum necklace with the word BITCH on it...
Bobbi London: Well…I's the Head Bitch in Charge and me name is Bobbi London and I’s originally from Queensland, Australia. Back in Oz, I’s was an aspiring gangsta rapper. I came to the U.S. to further me career…and then, bodyguarding just kinda fell into me lap. I’s still looking for me rap music contract…but in the meantime, working fer Kenz puts a few quid in me pockets.
“Fascinating! So you didn’t come into the protection business through a career in law enforcement…like the majority of us?”
A look of confusion touched Bobbi’s face as she scratched her head…
Bobbi London: When you’s say THROUGH law enforcement…I’s not rightly sure about that. I’s mean, I’s been locked up by th’ bloody coppers several times for pounding the bloody piss outta some idiot drongos in me time! I can’t even count ‘ow many times I’s been chucked in the divvy van and taken to jail for drunk and disorderly!
“Well, that’s not quite what we mean by coming in through law enforcement. We meant, spending time as a law enforcement officer.”
Bobbi laughs, slapping her knee as she realizes what they meant…
Bobbi London: OH! BLOODY ‘ELL MATE! Sorry bout that! Well…yes, I’s never been a copper meself, but I suppose it’s in me blood. You see, me mum shagged a bobby in London when she was locked up for thieving and such. Eleven months later…out pops me and me idiot mum names me Bobbi fucking London cause she thinks it’s funny! So, I suppose in a way, I’s got a bit of copper in me…on a count of me mum being all loosey goosey in the grey bar motel!
“Well…er…that’s very interesting…wait! Did you say you your mother was pregnant with you for eleven months? I mean…that doesn’t even seem possible!”
Bobbi London: You’s know, I’s said the same thing mate, but she always told me it was on a count of me being so bloody big! She said she was in labor for two months and I’s was kinda stuck ‘alf in and ‘alf out the entire time.
“Wow…I mean, that sounds…unbelievable!”
Bobbi sat forward, narrowing her eyes and balling up her massive fists…
Bobbi London: You’s calling me mum a fucking liar mate? I’s can stick you’re sodding ‘ead up that cameraman’s arse then you can see fer yerself if she’s a liar, eh?!
There was a short pause and an audible gulp from Stewart before he answered…
“No…a demonstration will not be necessary. Let’s get back to your role as bodyguard for Kenzi Grey. You’ve never done protection before, and now you find yourself as the Head of Security for an emerging star. That has to be very daunting, coordinating your staff around a celebrity’s busy schedule. How many others do you have on your staff?”
Bobbi snorted, laughing out loud at this…
Bobbi London: Staff? You’s looking at the bleeding staff right ‘ere mate! I’s don’t know what you’s ‘eard bout Ms. Kenz, but for a big time ‘Ollywood star, she’s flat broke mate! Granted…it’s really strange since she’s been in movies and all these shows on the telly! I ‘ave no idea what she does with all ‘er money…it’s a real bloody mystery mates!
“So, you don’t have a staff at all. How are you able to keep up with all the threats that are made to your client? There must be people coming after her all the time.”
Bobbi glanced up as she scratched her chin and thought on that question a bit…
Bobbi London: ‘Onestly mate…right now, there is only one threat against Kenz and that’s a boney little toothpick of a woman named Kate Steele!
“You’re talking about the wrestling star?”
Bobbi laughed out loud, long and hard, pausing to look at Stewart off camera to see if he was joking. When there was no reply, Bobbi erupted into another bout of laughter…
Bobbi London: Trust me, that stupid pink headed cunt is about as much of a bloody star as I am mate! Yeah, I get it, ‘er’s was the first ever LAW Champion and ‘ers was also the Marquee Champion…but that was when the competition for titles was nonexistent Luv! ‘Ell! I’s coulda been a freaking champion back then! Trust me, Kate Steele is no star in any sense of the bloody word!
“Okay, she’s not a star…but you named her as a threat. Can you tell us how so?”
Bobbi London: Kate Steele is not just a stalker…she doesn’t just want to be around me client, she wants to become me client! She is trying ‘er level best to become Kenzi Grey! Did yah see that movie mate? Single White Female? Well, we’s all living the bloody real life version of it right now Luv! Kate ‘as been slowly trying to replace Kenz for months now. It’s just a matter of time before she takes more drastic action!
“Can you give us an example Ms. London?”
Bobbi London: AYE! I’s can give you several mate! This bloody farce all started back in July whilst Kenz was ‘aving all her issues that led to ‘er being sent to see a ‘ead shrinking Doctor Steve. There was a big sodding production made outta the thing and she began getting all this attention. I guess that was like a lightbulb going off in Kate’s ‘ead because the next thing we know, Kate Steele is getting treated for a ‘mental breakdown’ as well! Yeah, Kate Steele is a fucking nutter alright, but more than that, she’s a bloody attention whore! She couldn’t stand to see Kenz getting noticed…so she ‘ad to make up some silly breakdown to get a bit of sympathy! Rightly so, no one gave a toss about ‘er or ‘er fake mentals!
Bobbi couldn’t help but to laugh and shake her head at the thought of Kate’s failed attempt to leach off of Kenzi.
Bobbi London: That was only the start mate! Next, Kenz starts up a bit of a friendship club…The Kentourage…just a few of ‘er mates to pal around with and such, and suddenly Kate Steele is dragging the Pink Ladies outta the anals of LAW ‘istory! Once again proving that she wants so desperately to be Kenz, that she will go to any length! The Pink Ladies ‘ave been dead and buried since the United Sisters of Asia put them down ages ago! Now, they come back with a revolving door of third bloody stringers? It’s clear, Kate only wants to emulate Kenz, but it’s a poor reflection at best!
Bobbi sighed, as she continued making her case…
Bobbi London: Kenz doesn’t miss a bloody beat as she moves on to a successful telly program next! As ‘er star burns brighter and brighter, you can see Kate getting greener and greener with envy! ‘Onestly, I don’t know ‘ow she managed, but the next I know…’er is weaseling ‘er way onto the ‘Exx: Chronicles show! She just cannot STOP wanting to be Kenz!
Bobbi seems to be getting more and more upset…
Bobbi London: The last bloody straw was this whole Guilty Pleasure band nonsense! Kenz is a great singer and ‘er’s been putting on programs and such for the fans and playing for ‘er show…now ‘ere comes Kate again, popping up like a bad ‘erpes infection! WHY CAN’T SHE JUST BE KATE BLOODY STEELE?!
She raises her hand to stop Stewart from answering the question.
Bobbi London: Plain and simple mate, Kate Steele is nothing but a bloody Copy Cat Cunt! ‘Er doesn’t ‘ave a life of ‘er own, so now 'er is trying to steal one that’s better than ‘er own! Kate failed at trying to be all mentally for sympathy, Kate failed at trying to revive the Pink Ladies, so now she is trying to just become Kenzi Grey instead! Well, that’s not gonna work either mate, cuz I’s on to ‘er stupid bloody game and I’s gonna nip it right in the fucking bud at Night of Glory!
“Ahhh! So, is that what the Night of Glory cage fight is all about?”
Bobbi raised her two rather large and beefy fists looking at one and then at the other with a sadistic grin…
Bobbi London: Oh…Oh yes it is! Kenz gave me orders to break that cunt’s fucking jaw on Sunday night, and after all the things she’s had to say about me…I can ‘ardly wait to get inside that bloody cage! If ‘er thinks fer a moment that she’s seen me best, ‘er’s in fer the fucking surprise of ‘er life! You’s see, I’s not a wrestler…I’s a stand over man, or what you’s seppos in the States call a bruiser. I’s get paid to put the big time ‘urt on those who decide to step out of bloody turn. That is just what Kate Steele 'as done…and so now, I’s gonna teach her a lesson. “Er thinks the road to Kenzi’s Chaos Title leads through me, but ‘er’s gonna see that this is just a dead bloody end! Trust me mates, it’s gonna stand out like dog’s balls after I leave that sheila in a puddle of ‘er own blood in that cage! Taking me lightly is gonna get you’s ‘urt real bad!
“Well, we will all certainly look forward to that! Now, if you don’t mind…we would like to see what you do in a typical day as you protect your client.”
Bobbi nodded with a broad grin as she stood up, rubbing her hands together.
Bobbi London: Alrighty then! Let’s get to it, shall we?
After a brief commercial break, ‘PROTECTION INC. Celebrity Edition’ returned with the host, Stewart Pupkin…
Stewart Pupkin: As a veteran in the protection industry, I have seen and done it all. I have worked directly for and consulted with some of the biggest names in politics and entertainment. If there is anyone who truly knows how difficult this job can be, it’s me. That is why I am astounded by the way Bobbi London approaches her protection duties as a one woman team.
He gestured to the monitor behind him that opened on a shot of Kenzi’s home…
Stewart Pupkin: Let’s take a look!
The scene opened on a small, cramped room that was filled with boxes and clutter that reached up to the ceiling. Bobbi spread out her arms as she turned around…
Bobbi London: Well, this is it mate! This ‘ere is me base of operations! This is where I literally ‘old the life of one of the most famous people on the planet in the palms of me ‘ands!
“This looks like a storage closet...”
Bobbi shook her head…
Bobbi London: Well…yes…to someone who was planning to do ‘arm to me client…or to the common layperson, this ‘ere would appear to be nothing more than a common broom closet…but I assure you, there is more to this room than meets the eye!
“Really? It kinda looks like a room full of junk.”
Bobbi narrowed her, eyes as she shook her head. She walked over to a box labeled SPORTS EQUIPMENT...
Bobbi London: This box right ‘ere contains all me weapons and gadgets I need to keep Kenz safe whilst we’re inside ‘er palatial palace.
“Why does it say sports equipment on the side?”
Bobbi looked at the side of the box and stood back for a moment, stroking her chin. Finally she shook her head.
Bobbi London: See, like I said mate, to an obsessed fan like Kate Steele, she’d look at that and jump to conclusions, but that is not what that says at all mate. This is where I’s keep me weapons and gadgets. That doesn’t say sports, it’s a bloody acronym Luv! That stands fer Superior Protection of Reality Television Stars...S.P.O.R.T.S.!
“Are you sure you didn’t just make that up?”
Bobbi glared to Stewart, standing just off camera.
Bobbi London: You calling me a fucking liar cunt?! I’s told you what it stands fer you bloody pissant!
Bobbi reached inside and pulled out a baseball bat with a catcher’s mitt attached to it. She grinned as she twirled the bat around a few times, then dropped it as it slipped out of her hands, clattering to the floor. She bent down and picked it back up, blushing as she did…
Bobbi London: Sorry! Been a while since I ‘ad cause to pull out me nightstick!
“That looks like a baseball bat with a catcher’s glove on it.”
Bobbi rolled her eyes, yanking off the glove and holding the ‘bat’ in one hand...
Bobbi London: I promise you, if I ‘it you up side your fucking gob with this stick yer arse is going night-night!
“So, what’s the catcher’s glove for?”
Bobbi looked at the glove in her other hand, then shrugged...
Bobbi London: I don’t know…it was never cold enough for gloves in Queensland. We just beat the piss outta each other with sticks!
Bobbi turned and reached into the SPORTS Equipment box and pulled out a badminton net...
Bobbi London: I use this ‘ere to detain any perpetrators until the coppers can get ‘ere! As you can see, there are a lot of ‘oles in this one, so I probably could not use it on a skinny cunt like Kate Steele…’er boney arse would just slip right through!
Bobbi laughed as she reached back inside the box and pulled out a box of lawn darts...
Bobbi London: These…these are some of me favorites mates. They’s ninja throwing spears and you’ve got to ‘ave a high degree of training to throw them properly!
She pulled out one of the large finned javelins...
“I’m pretty sure those are illegal now. Too many children were getting hurt playing with them in their backyards.”
Bobbi smirked at him...
Bobbi London: DUH!! It’s a bloody fucking spear mate! You give this thing a right good toss and it will stop an intruder instantly!
Bobbi held the lawn dart like a circus knife thrower and hurled it at another box across the room. The lawn dart skidded off the top of the box and impaled itself into the wall. Almost immediately, a jet of water spewed forth from around the hole made by the dart from a ruptured waterline. Bobbi threw the rest of the items back into the SPORTS Equipment box and she started to usher Stewart and the cameraman out of the room.
Bobbi London: OKAY!! Nothing else to see in ‘ere I guess! Let’s get going, shall we!
Bobbi looked around nervously as she swore and slammed the door behind her...
Bobbi London: …bloody fucking ‘ell…
The show abruptly cuts to commercial...
After another brief commercial break, ‘PROTECTION INC. Celebrity Edition’ returned with the host, Stewart Pupkin…
Stewart Pupkin: In that last segment, Bobbi London showed us her base of operations and just a few of her tools of the trade. While she is forced to run her business on a shoestring budget, it is obvious that in her hands, the most simplistic of everyday household items can be turned to a deadly purpose in defense of her celebrity client!
He gestured to the monitor behind him that opened on a shot of a limousine…
Stewart Pupkin: Transportation of your client can and will expose them to danger, each and every time. I served four tours in Bagdad and Afghanistan. I can tell you this, convoy missions were without a doubt the most stress filled hours of any day or night I served. For Bobbi London…I am sure that it is no different. Let’s take a look…
The scene opened on a CTN limousine outside Kenzi Grey’s residence as Bobbi walked outside and headed to the back passenger side door…
Bobbi London: In the protection business, I’s often called on to oversee the commuter needs of me client. I’s responsible for route planning and I’s must be ready at a moment’s notice with a backup plan if there is ever a problem with me primary route!
Bobbi pulled out a handheld device...
Bobbi London: This ‘ere device was issued to me when I first took the position earlier this year. It’s pretty much like something out of a James Bond film. There’s all sorts of utilities and whatnot just built right into it. For instance, if I needs to plan a route, I can just type the address and this little doohickey will map out two or three routes for me straight away!
“That sounds like WAZE or Google Maps.”
Bobbi glared off camera at Stewart, her eyes shooting daggers at him...
Bobbi London: THIS ISN’T A FUCKING GOOGLEY THING! THIS IS BLOODY CUTTING EDGE TECHNOLOGIES YOU STUPID WANKER!
SIRI immediately interrupted...
“I’m sorry, I did not find any address matching, ‘visiting google thing this is blood cutting your testicles you stupid white guy.’ Please say a valid address…”
“That sounds exactly like my i-Phone. It even gets all the words wrong just like mine.”
Bobbi gives him the finger...
Bobbi London: Well…this isn’t like your thing at all! I’s can make and receive telly calls if Kenz needs me or I need to contact the coppers!
“Yeah…that is called a cell phone.”
Bobbi holds up her device, peering through the view finder...
Bobbi London: I's can take pictures of suspicious types, just in case I…
“I have a 15 megapixel camera on my cell phone.”
Bobbi tosses her phone to the ground, shattering it...
Bobbi London: YOU CAN JUST PISS RIGHT THE FUCK OFF MATE!
Bobbi takes a deep breath to compose herself, then she walks over to the car door...
Bobbi London: ANYWAY! As I's was saying, after I's plans me route, I's make it a point to ensure that me client is safe and secure before we depart. I's conduct a meticulous search of the interior of the vehicle first…
Bobbi opened the car door and started to go inside, then she froze as she saw Kenzi and Song in the backseat apparently kissing one another. Bobbi immediately slammed the car door shut and stood in front of it, protectively...
“Was that your client inside the car, kissing another woman?”
Bobbi shook her head slowly...
Bobbi London: Nope…
“That looked like Kenzi Grey kissing her roommate, Song. There was a rumor about it on CTN.”
Bobbi looked around and then answered...
Bobbi London: What you just saw…was what we refer to in the protection business as a decoy! You cannot be too careful these days!
“You have two lesbian decoys?”
Bobbi shrugs...
Bobbi London: Who am I's to judge? To each their own, eh?! ANYWAY! From here, I's complete my exterior check of the vehicle, paying close attention to…
Bobbi freezes as something catches her eye...
“What is it? What do you see?!”
Bobbi London: IT’S THAT BLOODY STALKER KATE STEELE!! CALL THE COPPERS I’M GOING AFTER ‘ER!!
Bobbi takes off at a lumbering pace as the cameraman runs behind her. The camera swings wildly from side to side as they try to keep up with her. The camera catches Bobbi tackling a skinny young boy with a mop of red hair to the ground. The boy screams for help as Bobbi frantically tries to get off of him after realizing her mistake. The kid runs off screaming for his mother as Bobbi backs away, out of breath and dusting off her clothes as she grins sheepishly...
Bobbi London: Sorry about that…was a skinny little boy. ‘Owever, Kate Steele does bear a striking resemblance to a 15 year old boy! I mean…they could ‘ave been twins, those two!
Bobbi looks around nervously...
Bobbi London: We should probably go before the coppers come, yeah? Yeah!
Bobbi turns and runs back towards the house as the show goes to commercial...
After a final commercial break, ‘PROTECTION INC. Celebrity Edition’ returned with the host, Stewart Pupkin…
Stewart Pupkin: In that final segment, Bobbi demonstrated that her duties to her client are quite varied and numerous. She is charged with not only protecting her client from harm but also from the threat of public embarrassment. It is amazing that she has managed to accomplish so much with so little formalized training. It just goes to show that where there is a will, there is certainly a way. That will do it for this edition of PROTECTION INC. I am Stewart Pupkin, but before we go, Ms. London has asked that we close out this episode with a musical interlude dedicated to the woman she will face on Sunday night at LAW Night of Glory 3!
He gestured to the monitor behind him that opened on a shot of Bobbi London walking through the streets of LA as she prepared to spit her latest battle rap single…
Stewart Pupkin: Good night, and please enjoy, Carbon Copy Cunt, by Bobbi London…
The scene opened on Bobbi as she launched into her newest rap attack…
Hey, DJ…give Bobbi B a beat I can flow to!
Yeah, that’s it…real nice and smooth!
‘Miss UltraViolence’ Kate Steele, it’s time for round two;
Inside a Night of Glory steel cage, just me and you!
Bobbi B beat that ass in the 6-person tag;
Now you begging for a rematch you pink haired hag!
I was content smashing up yer Pink Lady crew;
Go back and check the tape, I pinned all three of you!
But now you coming back, talking even more junk;
So now I’m gonna break your jaw you emo fucking punk!
CHORUS SING!!!
That bitch Kate Steele is a carbon copy cunt,
Always biting Kenzi’s flow and trying to stunt!
If she keeps on coming with her carbon copy shit,
She’s gonna make Bobbi B straight crush a chick!
Kate Steele wants to be Kenzi so bad it makes me sick;
Locked yourself in the nuthouse you dumb ass trick!
You’re the biggest attention whore I's ever did see;
Squeezing so much slut inside a boney ass Mini Me!
Your cry for 'elp was really fucking pathetic;
I wish Dr. Kevorkian had been your attending medic!
You should have called Dr. Steve to get your 'ead right;
Instead of constantly dying your hair like Rainbow Bright!
CHORUS SING!!!
That bitch Kate Steele is a carbon copy cunt,
Always biting Kenzi’s flow and trying to stunt!
If she keeps on coming with her carbon copy shit,
She’s gonna make Bobbi B straight crush a chick!
It’s time for verse three, this aint even half over;
This is a lyrical hit and run by a verbal Range Rover!
You tried to copy the Kentourage with that Pink Lady crap;
But I's burned your asses down in my very first rap!
Now I's hear you been coached by your old school crew;
Just like those whack bitches quit LAW, I’ll retire you too!
The Pink Ladies lost to my team and the Naughty Girl camp;
You bitches couldn’t even get a win from a Genie in a lamp!
CHORUS SING!!!
That bitch Kate Steele is a carbon copy cunt,
Always biting Kenzi’s flow and trying to stunt!
If she keeps on coming with her carbon copy shit,
She’s gonna make Bobbi B straight crush a chick!
It’s verse four, so get ready to come correct;
You still carbon copying like a fake welfare check!
You saw Kenzi playing 'Exx on TV in Empire City;
So you begged to act too, but you did it mad shitty!
You fly around as Gaia and kill with superpower;
Thank god you’re only on a minute and not the whole 'our!
Your acting is so bad I's stopped watching because of you;
But I's started up again because they said you die in season two!
CHORUS SING!!!
That bitch Kate Steele is a carbon copy cunt,
Always biting Kenzi’s flow and trying to stunt!
If she keeps on coming with her carbon copy shit,
She’s gonna make Bobbi B straight crush a chick!
It’s time for verse five you caterwauling anorexic chump;
Tricking Ken into singing with you to get you out your slump!
Guilty Pleasure is good and I's won’t even try to front;
But they’d be better without you, you non-singing cunt!
I's will never understand how they put a mic in your 'and;
I's wouldn’t even allow you to play in a rubber fucking band!
Your singing is the worst and your strumming really sucks;
Whenever you get to play solo we all give ZERO fucks!
CHORUS SING!!!
That bitch Kate Steele is a carbon copy cunt,
Always biting Kenzi’s flow and trying to stunt!
If she keeps on coming with her carbon copy shit,
She’s gonna make Bobbi B straight crush a chick!
Bitch you might be dead, but I’m still hitting verse six;
Crushing your whack ass is how I'S get me kicks!
I's ran down all the dumb shit that you's ever fucking did;
Now I’ll boot you out of LAW just like I's did to Sid!
You thought you was clever to lock me in a cage;
See how smart you are when you's feel this Aussie rage!
Sunday will be the last we see of you's carbon copy cunt;
Night of Glory 3 will be the end of your Chaos Title hunt!
Mic drop…I’m out!