Post by Kenzi Grey on Feb 24, 2018 15:49:37 GMT -5
DUBLIN
Ireland
My body hurt in places that I didn't know had places! Nora, my new physical fitness trainer, had put me through hell the first four days of our training sessions together. For me, I had seen her magnificent body and her iron will and seen it as a challenge to take on her regiment...but for her, it was an induction into her world...the world of Na Fianna. It was about breaking you down and rebuilding you from the inside out...
...I honestly thought that it was all bullshit...
To me, this was just another game of someone thinking that I was just another celebrity who was trying to step into her world and that she would teach me a lesson. I wasn't a quitter and I took my business seriously...despite my oftentimes dimwitted persona. The weight training had been difficult and I had nearly been broken physically, but I'd endured. it gave me satisfaction to see the surprise on her face when I didn't quit...it affirmed for me that this was just what I thought it was...a silly game.
Nora thought that I was just a silly little girl who knew nothing of the real world. She took me for a weakling and a dullard. She mocked my religion of Scientology and our debate over the matter got so heated that she nearly expelled me...
...see would have had to dismiss me; I wasn't going to quit...
Things had been tense between us by the end of the third day, but I had proven to her that I could take whatever she could throw at me and give it right back...with only a mild bit of complaint. When she dismissed me for the day, I walked off with my head up, strong and defiant...until she couldn't see me anymore...
...I crawled back into my room where Sarah was there to do what she could to piece me back together...
I was going to be ready for whatever she had in store for me next. I was going to prove to her that I was worthy...just like I was going to prove to Etsuko that I was more than worthy to be the Breakout Champion. If Nora couldn't break me, there was no way in hell that Etsuko was even going to leave a scratch!
The next day, I didn't wait for her to come get me...I was out bright and early waiting for her...but to my surprise Day 4 wasn't going to be another marathon of weights...not another day of being chased by wolves...not even another day of having my ass kicked inside a ring by a never ending gauntlet of bad ass Na Fianna warriors. Today was a travel day...whatever the hell that meant...
Part of me breathed a sigh of relief. The bumps and bruises from the previous three days let out a loud cheer as they realized that they wouldn't be further aggravated, but I wondered what she was up to. I wondered if this meant that she had given up on breaking me and she was escorting me out...or something more sinister awaited...
The braggart in me rose to the surface as I proclaimed to the world that I was not broken and had no intention of being broken! I hoped that Etsuko and all the other doubters were watching me...seeing what I had been through and realizing that there was more to me than met the eye. I was ready to take on the world...or so I thought...
Maybe it was my arrogance...or maybe it was just plain stupidity on my part. Either way, after I realized that Nora wasn't kicking me out, it never dawned on me that this was anything other than a sightseeing trip. I held Sarah's hand as we flew over the landscape, reveling in the feel of her fingers intertwined with mines. I was grateful for the break...for the chance to get to enjoy Ireland with my wife, instead of just seeing the inside of gyms while she waited for me in our hotel. This was by far the most enjoyable part of the trip...but...like all good things, it wouldn't last...
We landed and Nora handed me a bag and gave me a minute to say goodbye to Sarah. It was time for my journey to begin. Sarah stared at me with a bit of panic in her eyes. She had no idea what this was all about and neither did I. Still, I wasn't about to give up or give in. I squeezed her hand so that she would know that I had this...there was no need for her to make a scene. I held her close to me and said my goodbye. I would overcome this challenge the way I had overcome the rest of them. I wasn't going to be beaten by anyone!
Less than two minutes later, I was all alone and covering my eyes as the helicopter flew off into the distance. I opened the bag and found a spear, a knife, a wineskin, and a note from Nora...
Kenzi,
Xenu can't save you here, but the Old Gods can. Find your way to the mountain. We will be waiting for you at the summit.
Another knock at my religion...and yet another challenge.
The shot at Scientology only fueled my desire to win. The thought of reaching Sarah was the icing on the cake. I stared at the wineskin, opening it and smelling the foul liquid inside. I had no idea what it was and no desire to drink it. I pitched it aside and pulled out my trusty phone. I would use it to navigate my way to the mountain...and after I got there I would watch Nora eat crow!
Minutes stretched to into hours and before long, I came to the sudden realization that I wouldn't be gloating anytime soon. The darker and darker it became, the more and more panicked I was. I hated the fact that I was frightened...but I hated the thought that I would fail even more. I trudged on for another few hours as darkness fell and soon I realized that I was going to be spending the night out here if I didn't Nora's mountain soon...
..I didn't find it...
Instead all I could think about were the ghost stories that she and her Na Fianna friends had been talking about all day long. Now ever second I spent looking over my shoulder wondering if one of their Irish ghosts or goblins would be there to make me just another part of their ghastly stories. I settled in, hunkering down for the night...at least I had my phone, for what it was worth...
THE NEXT MORNING...
I honestly don't know how I got through the night. A fire would have been nice, but I was too stupid to know how to get one started. Instead, I gutted it out, putting everything on the hope that I would find my way out in the morning. I was never so happy to see the morning come as I was that day. The sun came up and my plight only became more clear...
A spooky field of moss green trees surrounded me, and there wasn't a mountain anywhere in sight. I started to think that maybe Nora was testing me. She wanted me to give up...to cry for help and then she would swoop in with an enormous grin across her face to gloat over how I had failed by being scared...
...Na Fianna knew no fear...you'd never be one of us as long as you were a frightened little cub...
I was frightened, but I damn sure wasn't giving up! I trudged on, looking for a mountain...or even a hill...ANYTHING!
My wife's pigeons were a welcomed sight! I hadn't been kind when speaking about them before, but now they were the thing that kept me going. They swooped in and found me, each leaving me a little message from Sarah...words of love and encouragement to get me through. I appreciated that...
...I would have appreciated a sandwich a bit more...
Cold and hungry, the day stretched into another night. I huddled by a tree, shivering as I started to hear things. I didn't know if it was Nora and Sarah coming to find me...or maybe the famed 'White Lady' coming to appear before me and scare me to death, adding to her legend. I tried to focus on my phone...on talking with the outside world, but all I could see was the flashing of my battery life...teasing me with it's 27% as it continued to fall.
What would I do when I was finally cut off from the outside world? Would I curl up into a ball and hope that they found me or would I die out just like my rapidly dwindling power supply? I didn't know...and I hoped that I wouldn't find out...
It was almost comical how my life flashed before my eyes, as if I was the one that was dying instead of my trusty phone. My thoughts were for my Cool Kid friends and my hopes that they would be okay without me...
I kidded Angie about her 'loaded boot' but the truth of the matter wasn't that Angie was a cheat, in fact she was the truest of all of us. She had a good heart and a kind spirit. She inspired me to be a better person, each and every day...
I ribbed Sativa about never being alone again. I knew that after Burn's death, she would feel isolated, and I did my best to let her know that he would always be there with her...just like I would be there as well...in spirit...
I asked Milisandre to name her first born child after me. It was bad enough that I would miss her wedding, hopefully with one of her little ones running around carrying my name, hopefully she'd forgive me for dying in the woods and missing her big day...
I was going to miss the hell out of Roxy! I knew that they would get over my demise rather quickly, but that was the great thing about Rox, she lived in the moment, and when that moment was over, she was already half way through the next with not a care in the world...
I swallowed as I thought about Sarah...the light of my life. I settled in and started to type one last message for her...something from the heart...something that she would carry with her for the rest of her days...
I didn't have the words...not because there weren't any...in fact, there were too many! I loved her so much that there would never be a way that I could sum in all up in a single post. Sarah was the one that had saved my career last year when I was ready to give it up. I was convinced that I would never be a champion and I would never be respected. Sarah believed in me and then I found a way to believe in me.
2017 was the greatest year of my professional wrestling career. I won three championships and I achieved more than I ever dreamed possible. Sarah gave me the power to do great things...to do things that I never dreamed I could on my own. Sarah completed me in ways that I never thought possible.
How could I sum that up in just a few words...how could I say what I needed to say to her and be content at the end?
The answer was that I couldn't. She and I had been through more in the past year than most went through in their entire lives. We had shared losses and we had shared love. When all of that had nearly been taken from us, we had still managed to endure...we had still managed to find a way to keep on going...some how...some way.
I stumbled on Nora's wineskin...laying in the brush where I had thrown it several days ago. My arrogance was gone now and I was eager to open it up and take a drink...maybe my last one.
The liquid burned like jet fuel going down my gullet. It hit my stomach and spread like wildfire. I still had no idea what it was, but I was suddenly thankful for it...for every last drop. I wasn't going to survive this ordeal...I wasn't going to find Nora's mountain. Foolish pride was going to be my end...my desire to prove that I was a winner was going to be the thing that finally shut my eyes forever...
Sarah had given me new life...figuratively and literally. She had given me what I needed to make it through...to rise to the top...
RAAAAAAWR
I froze as I heard the roar...a lion's roar. Surely I was delirious...surely there were no lions in Ireland...
No sooner had I turned away from Sarah's phone, I looked up and I saw it...I saw the mountain rising up in front of me! How had I missed it? Surely I was dreaming...this couldn't be real...could it?
I blinked as wolves surrounded me...the pack swarmed in and before I knew it they had taken me...
I dreamed of the mountain...I dreamed of wolves and lions...
I climbed up as visions assaulted me...horrors and hallucinations that I could not easily explain or forget. They were fears that I was face to confront. Fears that should have broken me and left me shattered at the foot of the mountain...but I climbed on. I was being driven on...no longer by the fear of failure, but by the pull of other things that I might achieve...not the things that I might fail at.
Success was a powerful lure...but to be broken and have all of that stripped away...that was the truest test of who a person was...who I was now...and who I would be after Sunday...
Then and forever more...
“Tomorrow night will be the culmination of so many things for me. The defense of my championship should be the only thing on my mind…to go out there and prove to the world that I am the champion that I say that I am…I am the woman and the force that my wife knows me to be. Tomorrow night is supposed to be about proving everyone wrong about who I am…yet…the last few days have opened my eyes to an even greater truth…”
“…there is no substitute for knowing who you are…there is no proof needed...”
“I had thought that I would have to lay it all on the line to show the world that Kenzi Grey was every bit the bad ass wrestling champion that I had always hoped the world would see me as. I had toiled away for years inside the wrestling rings of LAW…going from state to state and arena to arena and longing to hear the crowd rise up and validate me. I wanted to hear the fans finally cheer me…finally acknowledge what I had hoped they all saw in me…”
"I never heard those cheers...and I never got the validation of my peers. The lasting memory that I have is of sitting in Lucas Dupree's office and being told how terrible I am...what an embarrassment I've been to everyone. Those were sobering words. ones that I never once believed...ones that I never let define me."
“…I finally know who I am…and it's not who I was made out to be...”
“Even if people like Etsuko don’t know…or don’t care, I know who I am and what I have done speaks volumes to the person I have become. I’m no longer a little girl who is so afraid of failure that she’ll do and say anything to avoid it. Failure is what makes us human…it is the thing that levels the playing field and makes us all the same…”
“…in my time, no one has been more human than me…”
“I have failed time and time again. I will keep on failing until the day I take my final breath. On that day, my life will not be measured by titles and victories inside the ring…that is my legacy. What matters is life...and that will be measured in happiness; happiness that I have achieved and happiness that I have brought to others that I call my friends…”
“I am happy with my career…I am happy with my successes as well as my failures. I accomplished the goals that I set for myself and I did it without sacrificing who I am. I got to live my dream inside of LAW for a little while…but now it’s time for me to wake up from that dream. It’s time for me to stop chasing after something that no longer makes me happy.”
“Etsuko, tomorrow night will likely be my last night inside of LAW. No, I’m not laying down for you to walk over me and take my title. I am going to stand in the center of that ring one last time and I am going to give you the fight that you deserve…that you have been asking for…begging for…for weeks and months on end. I know what it is like to beg for opportunity to prove yourself...and then be denied time and time again. I am glad that you are finally getting what you feel you deserve.”
“…if taking this title from me will make you happy…then come and try to take your happiness…”
“It won’t be easy…and I promise you this; when it is over and done, you are going to know that I was everything I said I was and more! Whether you find a way to beat me…or I beat you…I’m going to walk out of that arena with my head held high because I got what I wanted...I got to live my dream and I was satisfied when it finally ended…”
“…will you be able to say the same…?”
Ireland
My body hurt in places that I didn't know had places! Nora, my new physical fitness trainer, had put me through hell the first four days of our training sessions together. For me, I had seen her magnificent body and her iron will and seen it as a challenge to take on her regiment...but for her, it was an induction into her world...the world of Na Fianna. It was about breaking you down and rebuilding you from the inside out...
...I honestly thought that it was all bullshit...
To me, this was just another game of someone thinking that I was just another celebrity who was trying to step into her world and that she would teach me a lesson. I wasn't a quitter and I took my business seriously...despite my oftentimes dimwitted persona. The weight training had been difficult and I had nearly been broken physically, but I'd endured. it gave me satisfaction to see the surprise on her face when I didn't quit...it affirmed for me that this was just what I thought it was...a silly game.
Nora thought that I was just a silly little girl who knew nothing of the real world. She took me for a weakling and a dullard. She mocked my religion of Scientology and our debate over the matter got so heated that she nearly expelled me...
...see would have had to dismiss me; I wasn't going to quit...
Things had been tense between us by the end of the third day, but I had proven to her that I could take whatever she could throw at me and give it right back...with only a mild bit of complaint. When she dismissed me for the day, I walked off with my head up, strong and defiant...until she couldn't see me anymore...
...I crawled back into my room where Sarah was there to do what she could to piece me back together...
I was going to be ready for whatever she had in store for me next. I was going to prove to her that I was worthy...just like I was going to prove to Etsuko that I was more than worthy to be the Breakout Champion. If Nora couldn't break me, there was no way in hell that Etsuko was even going to leave a scratch!
The next day, I didn't wait for her to come get me...I was out bright and early waiting for her...but to my surprise Day 4 wasn't going to be another marathon of weights...not another day of being chased by wolves...not even another day of having my ass kicked inside a ring by a never ending gauntlet of bad ass Na Fianna warriors. Today was a travel day...whatever the hell that meant...
Less than two minutes later, I was all alone and covering my eyes as the helicopter flew off into the distance. I opened the bag and found a spear, a knife, a wineskin, and a note from Nora...
Kenzi,
Xenu can't save you here, but the Old Gods can. Find your way to the mountain. We will be waiting for you at the summit.
Another knock at my religion...and yet another challenge.
The shot at Scientology only fueled my desire to win. The thought of reaching Sarah was the icing on the cake. I stared at the wineskin, opening it and smelling the foul liquid inside. I had no idea what it was and no desire to drink it. I pitched it aside and pulled out my trusty phone. I would use it to navigate my way to the mountain...and after I got there I would watch Nora eat crow!
Minutes stretched to into hours and before long, I came to the sudden realization that I wouldn't be gloating anytime soon. The darker and darker it became, the more and more panicked I was. I hated the fact that I was frightened...but I hated the thought that I would fail even more. I trudged on for another few hours as darkness fell and soon I realized that I was going to be spending the night out here if I didn't Nora's mountain soon...
..I didn't find it...
Instead all I could think about were the ghost stories that she and her Na Fianna friends had been talking about all day long. Now ever second I spent looking over my shoulder wondering if one of their Irish ghosts or goblins would be there to make me just another part of their ghastly stories. I settled in, hunkering down for the night...at least I had my phone, for what it was worth...
THE NEXT MORNING...
I honestly don't know how I got through the night. A fire would have been nice, but I was too stupid to know how to get one started. Instead, I gutted it out, putting everything on the hope that I would find my way out in the morning. I was never so happy to see the morning come as I was that day. The sun came up and my plight only became more clear...
...Na Fianna knew no fear...you'd never be one of us as long as you were a frightened little cub...
I was frightened, but I damn sure wasn't giving up! I trudged on, looking for a mountain...or even a hill...ANYTHING!
...I would have appreciated a sandwich a bit more...
What would I do when I was finally cut off from the outside world? Would I curl up into a ball and hope that they found me or would I die out just like my rapidly dwindling power supply? I didn't know...and I hoped that I wouldn't find out...
I kidded Angie about her 'loaded boot' but the truth of the matter wasn't that Angie was a cheat, in fact she was the truest of all of us. She had a good heart and a kind spirit. She inspired me to be a better person, each and every day...
I ribbed Sativa about never being alone again. I knew that after Burn's death, she would feel isolated, and I did my best to let her know that he would always be there with her...just like I would be there as well...in spirit...
I asked Milisandre to name her first born child after me. It was bad enough that I would miss her wedding, hopefully with one of her little ones running around carrying my name, hopefully she'd forgive me for dying in the woods and missing her big day...
I was going to miss the hell out of Roxy! I knew that they would get over my demise rather quickly, but that was the great thing about Rox, she lived in the moment, and when that moment was over, she was already half way through the next with not a care in the world...
I swallowed as I thought about Sarah...the light of my life. I settled in and started to type one last message for her...something from the heart...something that she would carry with her for the rest of her days...
2017 was the greatest year of my professional wrestling career. I won three championships and I achieved more than I ever dreamed possible. Sarah gave me the power to do great things...to do things that I never dreamed I could on my own. Sarah completed me in ways that I never thought possible.
How could I sum that up in just a few words...how could I say what I needed to say to her and be content at the end?
The answer was that I couldn't. She and I had been through more in the past year than most went through in their entire lives. We had shared losses and we had shared love. When all of that had nearly been taken from us, we had still managed to endure...we had still managed to find a way to keep on going...some how...some way.
I stumbled on Nora's wineskin...laying in the brush where I had thrown it several days ago. My arrogance was gone now and I was eager to open it up and take a drink...maybe my last one.
The liquid burned like jet fuel going down my gullet. It hit my stomach and spread like wildfire. I still had no idea what it was, but I was suddenly thankful for it...for every last drop. I wasn't going to survive this ordeal...I wasn't going to find Nora's mountain. Foolish pride was going to be my end...my desire to prove that I was a winner was going to be the thing that finally shut my eyes forever...
RAAAAAAWR
I froze as I heard the roar...a lion's roar. Surely I was delirious...surely there were no lions in Ireland...
I dreamed of the mountain...I dreamed of wolves and lions...
I climbed up as visions assaulted me...horrors and hallucinations that I could not easily explain or forget. They were fears that I was face to confront. Fears that should have broken me and left me shattered at the foot of the mountain...but I climbed on. I was being driven on...no longer by the fear of failure, but by the pull of other things that I might achieve...not the things that I might fail at.
Success was a powerful lure...but to be broken and have all of that stripped away...that was the truest test of who a person was...who I was now...and who I would be after Sunday...
Then and forever more...
“Tomorrow night will be the culmination of so many things for me. The defense of my championship should be the only thing on my mind…to go out there and prove to the world that I am the champion that I say that I am…I am the woman and the force that my wife knows me to be. Tomorrow night is supposed to be about proving everyone wrong about who I am…yet…the last few days have opened my eyes to an even greater truth…”
“…there is no substitute for knowing who you are…there is no proof needed...”
“I had thought that I would have to lay it all on the line to show the world that Kenzi Grey was every bit the bad ass wrestling champion that I had always hoped the world would see me as. I had toiled away for years inside the wrestling rings of LAW…going from state to state and arena to arena and longing to hear the crowd rise up and validate me. I wanted to hear the fans finally cheer me…finally acknowledge what I had hoped they all saw in me…”
"I never heard those cheers...and I never got the validation of my peers. The lasting memory that I have is of sitting in Lucas Dupree's office and being told how terrible I am...what an embarrassment I've been to everyone. Those were sobering words. ones that I never once believed...ones that I never let define me."
“…I finally know who I am…and it's not who I was made out to be...”
“Even if people like Etsuko don’t know…or don’t care, I know who I am and what I have done speaks volumes to the person I have become. I’m no longer a little girl who is so afraid of failure that she’ll do and say anything to avoid it. Failure is what makes us human…it is the thing that levels the playing field and makes us all the same…”
“…in my time, no one has been more human than me…”
“I have failed time and time again. I will keep on failing until the day I take my final breath. On that day, my life will not be measured by titles and victories inside the ring…that is my legacy. What matters is life...and that will be measured in happiness; happiness that I have achieved and happiness that I have brought to others that I call my friends…”
“I am happy with my career…I am happy with my successes as well as my failures. I accomplished the goals that I set for myself and I did it without sacrificing who I am. I got to live my dream inside of LAW for a little while…but now it’s time for me to wake up from that dream. It’s time for me to stop chasing after something that no longer makes me happy.”
“Etsuko, tomorrow night will likely be my last night inside of LAW. No, I’m not laying down for you to walk over me and take my title. I am going to stand in the center of that ring one last time and I am going to give you the fight that you deserve…that you have been asking for…begging for…for weeks and months on end. I know what it is like to beg for opportunity to prove yourself...and then be denied time and time again. I am glad that you are finally getting what you feel you deserve.”
“…if taking this title from me will make you happy…then come and try to take your happiness…”
“It won’t be easy…and I promise you this; when it is over and done, you are going to know that I was everything I said I was and more! Whether you find a way to beat me…or I beat you…I’m going to walk out of that arena with my head held high because I got what I wanted...I got to live my dream and I was satisfied when it finally ended…”
“…will you be able to say the same…?”