Post by Kenzi Grey on Oct 9, 2016 4:16:21 GMT -5
OOC: The thoughts of Kenzi Grey from her personal diary (this is only her inner musings and is completely off-camera):
I feel like I shouldn’t be writing about this woman…AGAIN…but something really weird happened today and I just can’t wrap my head around it. While we were at the Honor show having a good time together I noticed a guy checking her out, so knowing that she needed a little confidence boost after losing 175 pounds of cheating asshole, I dared her to go over to him and give him a little smooch. Of course, she protested, insisting that he was looking at me instead of her…and of course, why wouldn’t he?
…I should probably stop lying, maybe he was looking at me…but Song was truly stunning, even with her pink hair dyed back to its normal jet black sheen…
Anyway, I was drunk and bet Song that I would go over and give him a kiss, just to make his day. From there, things got really confusing…Melissa Reaves chimed in about me being a lesbian and then that set off a whole firestorm since I’m totally NOT a lesbian (no matter what Daisy keeps saying)! To prove the point, I grabbed Song and I kissed her just to show everyone that I’m not a lesbian and kissing a girl is like nothing to me…nothing at all!
…maybe it was something…
When I pulled away from her, I knew that I had made a terrible mistake…one that I couldn’t take back. I did feel something in that kiss. It was a want and a need that I had forgotten a long time ago…it was one that I no longer wanted to feel. I tried my best to play it off as I waited for the ensuing punch or cruel retort from Song about how nasty that was…but instead…she leaned back in and kissed me back…
…and I liked that too…in fact, I liked it more than the first time…
I pushed her back…when all I wanted was to feel her lips on me again and again. We laughed it off…turned it into something it wasn’t…a bet where I now had to let Song dye my hair…it was a distraction, I didn’t want to think about that kiss again…I hoped that it never came up again…
…it came up…every time I closed my eyes, and now it’s fucking driving me out of my fucking mind! Why did I do that? I know where this leads…the same place it always leads! The same place it lead with Alex Yin…the same place it lead with Jami…the same place it was going to lead with Tina and with Parker if things didn't get cut short…to shit! It always leads to shit! I love them and they realize that they don’t really love me…in fact…they actually start to hate my fucking guts!
I don’t want that feeling anymore…I don’t want that hurt…I don’t want that rejection…
I left Tina before she could realize how much she really hated me. It was a kindness on my part that she will never understand, but she should be grateful for. Parker was just smart enough to know that what he thought he wanted, I was never going to be. Good on him for figuring it out before things got too serious…or as serious as I was going to allow things to get.
Up until now, I have resigned myself to the fact that I need to be alone…even though it depresses me…even though it makes me unhinged. Better that than hated by the person I care the most for in all the world in my opinion...then again…I thought that Song hated me and a part of me was comfortable with that…I even enjoyed taking her insults and threats of murder…but the kiss…that wasn’t at all the plan, that wasn’t at all what I wanted…
…or maybe it was…
FUCK ME! I don’t want to ruin another good friendship because the person sees the real Kenzi Grey and they run for the goddamn hills while stringing my fucking guts behind them in a long bloody trail that stretches for miles and fucking miles! I have never gotten over any of my former ‘loves!’ They have always been the ones to get over me! Does anyone else even know what that feels like? TO BE AN UNLOVEABLE FUCK?! To know that no one will or can ever love you the way that you love them because you always…always…ALWAYS find a way to fuck it up!
My Ma...Nina Stokes told me that I needed to find someone who was my opposite…someone who was strong enough to tell me ‘no’ and make me accept it. I don’t know if that person exists…and if they do…they sound terrible! Song isn’t like that…I mean…she tells me no…she also threatens to kill me, but I’m not so sure that she’s my opposite…maybe she’s actually just cut from the same cloth.
I am so fucking confused right now! Why did I kiss her…?
…I wanted to…
Why in the fuck did she kiss me back…?
…she wanted to…
P.S. NO! She wanted to win the bet…and she won it. She thought it would be funny to see me color my hair. She wanted to humiliate me and have a good laugh at my expense…right?
I feel like I shouldn’t be writing about this woman…AGAIN…but something really weird happened today and I just can’t wrap my head around it. While we were at the Honor show having a good time together I noticed a guy checking her out, so knowing that she needed a little confidence boost after losing 175 pounds of cheating asshole, I dared her to go over to him and give him a little smooch. Of course, she protested, insisting that he was looking at me instead of her…and of course, why wouldn’t he?
…I should probably stop lying, maybe he was looking at me…but Song was truly stunning, even with her pink hair dyed back to its normal jet black sheen…
Anyway, I was drunk and bet Song that I would go over and give him a kiss, just to make his day. From there, things got really confusing…Melissa Reaves chimed in about me being a lesbian and then that set off a whole firestorm since I’m totally NOT a lesbian (no matter what Daisy keeps saying)! To prove the point, I grabbed Song and I kissed her just to show everyone that I’m not a lesbian and kissing a girl is like nothing to me…nothing at all!
…maybe it was something…
When I pulled away from her, I knew that I had made a terrible mistake…one that I couldn’t take back. I did feel something in that kiss. It was a want and a need that I had forgotten a long time ago…it was one that I no longer wanted to feel. I tried my best to play it off as I waited for the ensuing punch or cruel retort from Song about how nasty that was…but instead…she leaned back in and kissed me back…
…and I liked that too…in fact, I liked it more than the first time…
I pushed her back…when all I wanted was to feel her lips on me again and again. We laughed it off…turned it into something it wasn’t…a bet where I now had to let Song dye my hair…it was a distraction, I didn’t want to think about that kiss again…I hoped that it never came up again…
…it came up…every time I closed my eyes, and now it’s fucking driving me out of my fucking mind! Why did I do that? I know where this leads…the same place it always leads! The same place it lead with Alex Yin…the same place it lead with Jami…the same place it was going to lead with Tina and with Parker if things didn't get cut short…to shit! It always leads to shit! I love them and they realize that they don’t really love me…in fact…they actually start to hate my fucking guts!
I don’t want that feeling anymore…I don’t want that hurt…I don’t want that rejection…
I left Tina before she could realize how much she really hated me. It was a kindness on my part that she will never understand, but she should be grateful for. Parker was just smart enough to know that what he thought he wanted, I was never going to be. Good on him for figuring it out before things got too serious…or as serious as I was going to allow things to get.
Up until now, I have resigned myself to the fact that I need to be alone…even though it depresses me…even though it makes me unhinged. Better that than hated by the person I care the most for in all the world in my opinion...then again…I thought that Song hated me and a part of me was comfortable with that…I even enjoyed taking her insults and threats of murder…but the kiss…that wasn’t at all the plan, that wasn’t at all what I wanted…
…or maybe it was…
FUCK ME! I don’t want to ruin another good friendship because the person sees the real Kenzi Grey and they run for the goddamn hills while stringing my fucking guts behind them in a long bloody trail that stretches for miles and fucking miles! I have never gotten over any of my former ‘loves!’ They have always been the ones to get over me! Does anyone else even know what that feels like? TO BE AN UNLOVEABLE FUCK?! To know that no one will or can ever love you the way that you love them because you always…always…ALWAYS find a way to fuck it up!
My Ma...Nina Stokes told me that I needed to find someone who was my opposite…someone who was strong enough to tell me ‘no’ and make me accept it. I don’t know if that person exists…and if they do…they sound terrible! Song isn’t like that…I mean…she tells me no…she also threatens to kill me, but I’m not so sure that she’s my opposite…maybe she’s actually just cut from the same cloth.
I am so fucking confused right now! Why did I kiss her…?
…I wanted to…
Why in the fuck did she kiss me back…?
…she wanted to…
P.S. NO! She wanted to win the bet…and she won it. She thought it would be funny to see me color my hair. She wanted to humiliate me and have a good laugh at my expense…right?